I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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