He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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