You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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