I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
