My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize