bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
