Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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