I wish I could teleport
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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