my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
