too bad you live with your parents still
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
