I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Oh god it's open bar.
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