my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
