I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
