even my farts smell like vagina
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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