My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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