i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
