How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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