I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
