my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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