my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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