She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
