my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
