I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
