Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
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