i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
