I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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