I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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