we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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