I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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