I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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