new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
