I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
