why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
