My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
