I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
