my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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