he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
