did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
