Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
