Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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