I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
