he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
