Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
