Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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