Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
