Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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