paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
