She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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