You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
and you fell through a lawn chair
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
