Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
