hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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