Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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