now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
