I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
